The Wrong Bank Account (#2)

"No Honey in the Money"

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CAST: Frank, George, Guard, Young Teller.

(A young man enters a bank and approaches a young teller)

Frank: Well, hello sir, my name is Frank. How are you today?

George: Fine, thank you. I'd like to open a bank account, please.

Frank: Alright sir, will that be checking, savings, premium interest, double indemnity, mortgage security, planned installments, chocolate, strawberry or vanilla?

George: I beg your pardon?

Frank: How much would you like to deposit with us, sir?

George: Fifty dollars a week. I'm planning to take a trip around the world!

Frank: Around the world, eh? What you want is a travel savings account. Your name please, sir?

George: George Smythe.

Frank: Okay, George, just sign here — and here's your passbook.

George: Thanks, Frank.

Frank: Say, that's a familiar-looking ring you're wearing.

George: Yes, it's my high school ring. I graduated last year from Central Bulldog High.

Frank: Central Bulldog! I finished school there two years ago!

George: I thought you looked familiar!

Frank: My name is Bowser, Frank Bowser.

George: Bulldog Bowser! Now I remember you! Wasn't it you that planted the frog in Mr. Crotchety's podium — the one that hopped across the stage on my graduation day?

Frank: That's me! Did you ever see that old geezer's face get so red? Well, it's good to meet a customer from the old Alma Mater! Be sure to see me each week when you make your deposit!

George: Oh, I certainly will! You know, money doesn't come easy, Frank, but I've always wanted to make this trip and I'm going to save every penny I can until I've got enough to make it!

(It is twenty years later. George, now middle-aged, enters the bank)

George: Hi, Frank! How are things going?

Frank: Just great, George! How are you?

George: Oh, pretty good. My wife is getting surgery tomorrow.

Frank: Oh no, what happened George?

George: Nothing serious. Just getting some wrinkles tightened up. It's costing me a fortune, though.

Frank: Yeah, I'll bet, and you still haven't saved enough for that trip around the world.

George: I know, Frank, but I will. I'll do it just as soon as I pay off the loan on my house and my wife's plastic surgery bills.

Frank: Well, when you do go, I know you'll really enjoy it. Look, in the meantime, why don't you let me cheer you up? How about lunch today — on me? What do you say?

George: Frank, I'd really appreciate that. You're the best friend I've ever had!

(It is twenty years later. George is now a very old man, entering the bank)

Frank: Are you alright, George? Shall I get you a chair?

George: Naw, I'll just be a minute here.

Frank: I'm awfully sorry to hear about your wife, George.

George: Can you believe it? First she soaks me for forty years — credit cards, cosmetics, new clothes, a new house — then she runs off with her plastic surgeon! (starts coughing)

Frank: Listen, George, why don't we go out on the town next week so you can forget about it. After all, I might never see you again! You'll probably end up on an island with some hula girl in a grass skirt!

George: Frank, that sounds great. When I come in to withdraw all my money next Friday, you and I will go out and whoop it up for old time's sake.

Frank: That's the spirit, George! See you next Friday at five o'clock!

(One week later, the guard is ushering other customers to the door. A different Teller is at the counter)

Guard: I'm sorry sir, but we're about to close.

George: Listen sonny, I've been banking here for forty years, so get out of my way!

Teller: May I help you, sir?

George: Where's Frank? I only talk to Frank!

Teller: You mean that old trouble-maker? He died last Tuesday. Didn't you read about it in the newspaper?

George: Frank dead? No! How did it happen?

Teller: They caught him dipping his hands in the till. Seems he'd been embezzling for forty years. Last week he took a lunch break, went up to the fourth floor and jumped out the window. (George starts to cough, keels over) Are you alright, sir?

George: I want to withdraw my money. All of it.

Teller: You want to close your account, sir?

George: Yes, I have to take a trip around the world... before it's too late... I'm getting old...

Teller: Very well, sir. Let me see your passbook. I'll just be a few moments.

George: Frank! Who would have thought? Why, just the other day...

Teller: So, you're George Smythe, eh? Well, have I got news for you! I told you George had been embezzling for years — well, yours was one of the accounts he'd been taking from. The police were here this morning and checked it all out. As you didn't take out any insurance on the account, there's nothing we can do — you don't have a penny to your name, sir. (George has a heart attack and collapses)

Guard: (puts ear to George's chest) He's finished!

Frank: (entering from the side with suitcase) Good work, fellas! Get rid of this stiff and we'll be on the next plane to Rio!

(lecture about working for the wrong goals should follow)

The End