The Great Brain Robbery
by Anadi Das

* * * * * * * *

CAST: Butch, Ralph, Yogi, Scientist, Cop, Devotee.

Interior of a one-room apartment

(Butch is playing cards or shaving, etc. Ralph knocks and walks in)

Butch: Oh, hi ya, Ralph!

Ralph: Hi Butch!

Butch: Hey, Ralph, have any ideas who we're gonna rob in order to pay the rent this week?

Ralph: As a matter of fact I do... I've been readin' in the paper — in the "What's Happenin'" Column.

Butch: Really? So what's happenin'?

Ralph: I'll tell ya what's happenin'. There are three big meetings!

Butch: Wow! No kidding? Three big meetings. Are you gonna go to the PTA or the B'nai B'rith?

Ralph: No, seriously. I think we can score big.

Butch: I'm all ears. Let's hear about these meetings.

Ralph: Well, there's the Bhogi Yogi Seminar uptown, and there's a National Science Convention at the convention center downtown, and... oh yeah, over near the college, them Hairy Krizmas are havin' a love feast.

Butch: Hey, Ralph. You flipped your lid or something? We ain't got nothin' to do at no Yogi seminar... or at a science convention, what to speak of goin' to see those bald-headed Hairy Krizmas.

Ralph: Come on, Butch. Have I ever led you wrong, huh, have I?

Butch: Well, there was the time when we were makin' a getaway and you crashed into the cop car.

Ralph: All right. But other than that time I smashed into the cop car, have I ever steered you wrong?

Butch: Well there was the time...

Ralph: Okay, okay — within the last 24 hours did I ever lead you down the wrong path?

Butch: Well... I guess you haven't.

Ralph: All right, then. Trust me. Who's got more money than those scientists and those Yogis and those Krizmas?

Butch: I guess you're right. They've all got a good money-makin' racket. That's for sure. You know Ralph, sometimes you've got class. Real class.

Ralph: Yeah, I know. So let's hurry up. We only got 10 minutes till the Bhogi Yogi Seminar. (they exit, then return on the other side of the stage)

The Yogi's Ashram

(The Yogi is sitting cross-legged and giving a lecture, and they work their way in through the crowd)

Yogi: So, my friends, we can now understand that I am you and you are me, and together we are united in one universal consciousness. By transcending our material bodies we can achieve the highest perfection: the blissful awareness of cosmic nothingness.

I have come all the way from the Riviera — oh — I mean the Himalayas just to save you poor suffering souls who are rotting here in this false material existence. So if you will just follow my instructions, then together we can achieve the ultimate purpose in life — merging with THE VOID.Now it is time to close our session. Kindly leave your small contribution of at least $75.00 with the young girl over there in the pink miniskirt and pick up your own special "mantra." Now are there any questions? Ahhh, the lady in the back — Yes, we do take Mastercard! Thank you and Namaste.

Butch: (whispering loudly) Hey, Ralph? What's a Yogi seminar doin' up here in the ritzy section?

Ralph: shhhhh... (the people all leave and the Yogi gets up and begins to walk past Butch and Ralph)

Ralph: Hi there, Yogi.

Yogi: Namaste!

Butch: Nice day to you, too.

Ralph: What he means to say is "stick 'em up!"

Yogi: What?! Why you... you shall never get away with this!

Ralph: Why do you say "you" when you refer to us, Yogi? I mean, after all, you told us during the lecture that "I am you and you are me" ...so actually, you're holdin' the gun on us!

Butch: Hey, that was pretty good, Ralph! Start puttin' your money in this bag, mister!

Yogi: Ah... Gentlemen, I can't possibly give you any money... ah... ah... the, ah... landlady will come for the rent, and she will be...

Ralph: Come on, Yogi, Where's your "universal consciousness," huh? I mean the landlady is you and you are you, so when the landlady comes to ask for the rent, it's just yourself askin' for the rent!

Butch: Yeah, Yogi. And when the cops come to take you away for not payin' the rent, just remember they're all yourself just havin' a good time.

Yogi: This is preposterous!

Butch: Don't take it so bad. Just try to see us robbin' you as us helpin' you become poifect.

Yogi: What nonsense is this?

Butch: Well, you just got through sayin' that perfection was understandin' that everythin' is nothin'. So, when we get through robbin' you, you'll have nothin', and then you'll be poifect! (they laugh)

Yogi: How dare you speak to me like this!

Ralph: Take it easy, Yogi! Don't get mad at your fellow Gods.

Yogi: You are not Gods. You are madmen!

Ralph: No, we're not. We're the robbin' Gods, and you're the robbed God!

Butch: Hey, Ralph, it ain't all one!

Ralph: You don't say?

Butch: (looking in the bag) I dooo say! I see some twenties and some fifties in here.

Ralph: Hey, Yogi, if it's all one, then how come you don't wear a cotton ball instead of a t-shirt?

Butch: Yeah! If it's all one, how come you don't eat a dollar bill instead of goin' to a restaurant? (Yogi puts his face in his hands as if crying)

Ralph: Don't cry, Yogi: It's all false, remember? Everything that you see in this world is false. You said so yourself!

Yogi: Yes, I did say that everything is false... but...

Butch: Then that must mean you're false, too. Right, Yogi?

Yogi: Well... ah...

Butch: And everything you say must also be false, too!

Ralph: Here, Yogi, you can have your cigarettes back! We don't smoke Camels!

The Lecture Hall

(Butch & Ralph enter the lecture hall while the big scientist is concluding his talk)

Scientist: So, in conclusion, this universe and all that we see around us has come from that one "Big Bang" that we sometimes theorize might have happened at some time — just "by chance!" All of us are simply chemical combinations of atoms and molecules, bumping around for some time, then dissolving and reforming as who knows what. A kind of "primordial soup," as it were. This is the real gift of Science! By knowledge of the true origin of the universe, as well as our own origin, we need no longer fear death, nor any of its primitive superstitions! Thank you and good day! (the professor walks over in the vicinity of Butch & Ralph)

Butch: Hi there, Professor!

Scientist: Well, hello boys! Where did you come from?

Ralph: Oh, we just "accidentally" dropped in outta da sky.

Butch: And "by chance" we just happen to have a couple of guns here... Stick 'em up!

Scientist: Now, wait just a minute! What is the meaning of this?

Ralph: Meanin'? Why, there ain't no meanin'. It's all happenin' "by chance," remember?

Scientist: Are you two crazy?

Ralph: Hey, Butch! He's askin' us if we're crazy!

Butch: Just start throwin' your money in the bag, buddy, or I'll pull this trigger and show you the real "Big Bang Theory!"

Ralph: Yeah, Professor, you wouldn't want any "theoretical accidents" to happen in here, would ya?

Scientist: Now, boys, take it easy... (starts to put his money in the bag) I've got two little kids and a wife at home!

Ralph: C'mon, Professor! You ain't got no wife and kids at home! You just got through sayin' that everything's all chemicals. So, all you got at home is a bunch of protons and neutrons!

Butch: (looking at pictures in Scientist's wallet) Hey, get a load of this Ralph — she's the fattest "proton" I ever seen!

Ralph: Yeah, and look at those ugly little "molecules" next to her!

Scientist: (snatching wallet) Those happen to be my children!

Ralph: No apologies necessary.

Scientist: You're nothing but a bunch of thieves!

Butch: Calm down, Professor, just try to look at us robbin' you as a "chance interaction of chemicals."

Ralph: Yeah, Butch, and those green chemicals sure look good to us!

Butch: By chance, would you mind droppin' your watch in da bag, too?

Scientist: No, boys! Not my watch! It's a special gift from N.A.S.A. I really need it to schedule my appointments! Surely, you can understand that?

Ralph: C'mon, Professor! You don't need to schedule any appointments. Everything's an "accident," right?

Scientist: Yes.

Ralph: So, nothin's gonna happen on time, anyway!

Butch: (handing Scientist a rock) That's okay, you can keep the moon rocks.

Ralph: Hey, why are you so scared anyway? I thought you scientists had "no fear of death."

Scientist: Well, after all, those are only hypothetical theories.

Butch: You mean you guys get paid all this dough for makin' up hypothetical theories?

Ralph: Looks like we're in the wrong business, huh Butch! C'mon, we've got enough for now — let's get outta here!

Butch: Nice meetin' your chemical composition, sir!

Ralph: (handing Scientist a dollar) Hey, just ta show you dat we ain't a bunch of real bad guys, here's a dollar. Go get yourself a bowl of "primordial soup!"

The Hare Krishna Temple

(Next, the thieves come to the Krishna temple, where a devotee is concluding his lecture. The devotee should ad lib for a few minutes, then say:)

Devotee: Now, we invite you to partake of our Sunday Love Feast, which will be held upstairs in the prasadam room. And after the feast, please be sure to come back into the temple room for a wonderful play. Thank You. Hare Krishna!

Ralph: Okay Butch, they're all goin' out ta eat dat Sunday feast!

Butch: I'm goin' too!

Ralph: Get back here!

Butch: But I'm hungry!

Ralph: We'll eat later! Foist we'll take care of business! They're all gone now. He's alone — let's get him!

Butch: Hi there, Baldy!

Devotee: Hare Krishna!

Ralph: Stick 'em up!

Devotee: Oh, is this a holdup?

Butch: Hey, Ralph, this guy's smart!

Ralph: Just start puttin' your money in da bag and make it snappy!

Butch: Or we'll plug you full of holes; then you'll really be "holy"!

Devotee: But... I don't have any money.

Ralph: Don't give me dat! The marble in this here fancy room don't grow on trees, ya know!

Devotee: Listen, gentlemen, whatever money we do get, we give to God, for everything belongs to God.

Butch: Oh, no! Not another one of dem "we're all God" guys! I suppose we're all one, right?

Devotee: No, we're not all one. And we're not all God, either. But we are all part and parcel of God, just as the drop of water in the ocean is qualitatively one with the ocean, but in quantity it is different.

Butch: Hey, that was pretty good, Ralph! Did ya understand dat one, Ralph?

Ralph: We didn't come here for no lecture! Just toss the dough in da sack so we can get outta here!

Devotee: Give me a chance to explain!

Ralph: Chance?! Now I suppose you're gonna tell us that everything's happenin' by chance, huh?

Devotee: Of course not! That's a ridiculous philosophy. Nothing happens by chance.

Butch: Wow! That's really true, Ralph! Dis guy's got it!

Ralph: Yeah, he's got it, alright, and I want it! All of it, in da bag, now!

Devotee: But, I've told you...

Butch: Ah... how come you ain't afraid like them other people we robbed? Ain't you afraid we might kill you?

Devotee: No, I'm not afraid for myself. Actually I'm worried about you!

Butch: What? You worried about me?

Devotee: Yes, that's right. If you kill me then you'll have to come back and take another birth to be killed yourself. That's the law of karma. For everything you do, there is an equal reaction that you must suffer. These are the laws which have been set up by Krishna or God.

Ralph: Are you nuts, or something? Us come back? And take another lousy birth?

Butch: Hold it, Ralph! Remember back on 33rd Street, at that church we tried to rob when the priest said about Jesus — as you sow, so shall you reap? Well, this is it — this guy is sayin' the same thing.

Ralph: I came to reap somethin' to pay the rent, not to listen to no sermon. Now, for the last time, start coughin' up the dough into the bag!

Devotee: Actually, I do have some "dough" that I can give you.

Ralph: See — I knew he was holdin' out.

Devotee: Here. It's some prasadam, and it's called a puri. We make it out of dough.

Ralph: Oh, you are a funny one. Wasn't that hilarious?! (Butch begins to eat the puri) Hey, what are you doin'? Don't eat that, Butch! It might be poison. You know what happened with Jim Jones!

Butch: But I'm hungry, Ralph. We never get anything decent to eat. Wow! This is good, Ralph, it's great stuff. Try it!

Ralph: Look, I didn't come here to eat. You eat. I want my food in the bag — in cool, crisp lettuce. Get the picture? (sound of police siren. The devotee leaves the stage)

Butch: On, no — it's the cops, Ralph! It's the cops, Ralph!

Ralph: I know it's the cops! I know it's the cops!

Butch: What are we gonna do, Ralph? What are we gonna do?

Ralph: I'll tell you what we're gonna do. I'll tell you what we're gonna... will you quit repeatin' yourself! Here! Take this cape. You play the drum, and I'll play the bells, just like we're regular Hairy Krizmas. (they have a funny kirtan. Cop enters)

Cop: Have any of you seen two thieves in here?

Butch: ah... ah... ah... ah...

Cop: What's he saying?

Ralph: I think he's tryin' to say. Well, uh... I'm not...

Cop: Will you shut up! Now have you seen two thieves or not?

Ralph: Well, what did they look like, Officer?

Cop: They were about your height... same color hair... looks like the same jackets, too.

Ralph: You know, come to think of it, Officer, I did see those two guys. They went over there.

Cop: Thanks a lot, boys! (Cop leaves. Ralph and Butch continue their horrible kirtan for a few more seconds)

Ralph: Boy. That was a close one — huh, Butch? For a second I thought that it was goin' to be another Waco. Hey, Butch. You can stop singin' now. The cop's gone. Will you quit it! The cop's gone already! Butch! Shut up!!!

Devotee: Calm down, Ralph. Can't you see that Butch is enjoying the nectar of the Holy Name?

Ralph: Yeah, come to think of it, I never saw the guy so happy in all my life!

Devotee: And you can be happy too, Ralph.

Ralph: You're kiddin'! Me happy? Money is happiness, isn't it?

Devotee: Has money ever made you really happy?

Ralph: I don't know... I never got enough of it to find out!

Devotee: See?! Listen, Ralph. Just repeat after me, and all of your anxieties will disappear. (Devotee says the Hare Krishna mantra. Ralph repeats it word by word. Devotee starts a proper kirtan)

Ralph: Come on everybody! Join in, or I'll blow your brains out!

(kirtan continues as Ralph and Butch take up a collection for the play — wielding their guns, they hold their bag open to each guest)

The End