Count Dracula Gets The Straight Sauce

by Loka Mangala Das

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CAST: Girl, Dracula, Female Sankirtan Devotee.

(thunder, lightning, wind, coyotes howling)

Girl: (runs in screaming) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Dracula: (enters, singing to the tune of "I'm in the Mood for Love":) I'm in the mood for blood, simply because you're near me!

Girl: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Dracula: Funny, but when you're near me, I'm in the mood for blood!

Girl: (runs off stage, screaming) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Devotee: (enters with book bag full of books for distribution) My dear sir, what a wonderful voice you have!

Dracula: Ah, my beautiful one, you are such a feast for the eyes, what to speak of the tongue.

Devotee: Of all the senses, the tongue is the most voracious and difficult to control.

Dracula: My dear! How can you speak to me of control when the mere sight of you fills me with lusty desires?

Devotee: It is lust only, which is the all-devouring, sinful enemy of the world.

Dracula: But my dear! You misunderstand me. I have developed a profound attachment for you.

Devotee: While contemplating the object of the senses, one naturally develops attachment for them. And from that attachment lust develops.

Dracula: You little smart-alec, you make me so angry, I could bite you!

Devotee: Yes, it's a fact. From lust anger arises, and from anger delusion develops. From delusion comes bewilderment of memory, and when memory is bewildered, intelligence is lost and one falls down into the material pool. You see, it's a very risky business.

Dracula: If anyone is taking the risk, my dear, it's you! Obviously, you don't know who I am.

Devotee: Obviously, you don't know who you are!

Dracula: I don't know who I am? Well, I'll tell you who I am — I am Count Dracula of Transylvania, the Prince of Darkness.

Devotee: Surely, you are in darkness, for only an ignorant man considers the body as the self and his place of birth as worshipable.

Dracula: So, you think you are so smart, eh? Then tell me this — if I'm not Count Dracula, then who am I?

Devotee: Ah! My dear sir, your human life has just begun.

Dracula: Human life? Please do not insult me in this way. Why, I haven't been human for over four hundred years!

Devotee: Try to understand — human life actually begins when one asks himself — "Who am I?" You see, your real identity is that of spirit soul, full of knowledge and bliss, eternally connected to the Supreme Lord in an intimate relationship of love.

Dracula: My only business is to make others suffer so that I can enjoy. Indeed, for my personal pleasure, I do not hesitate to commit even the most abominable action. Yet, somehow or other, by your good instruction, I am feeling myself meek and humble.

Devotee: But, they are not my instructions, they are the instructions of Lord Krishna as given in the Bhagavad-Gita As It Is by His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, my beloved spiritual master. (she pulls out the Bhagavad-Gita)

Dracula: Aiiiiieee! Put that book away, it is more brilliant than thousands of suns!

Devotee: Yes, Godhead is light. Ignorance is darkness. Where there is Godhead, there is no darkness. But you are wrong to think that this book will harm you. Rather, it will relieve you of all the misery of material existence, even your desire for blood.

Dracula: But my desire for blood has been insatiable for over four hundred years! How can I be free of such a strong desire as this?

Devotee: You simply have to transfer your material affections to the transcendental consciousness of service to the Supreme Personality of Godhead. (Dracula again lunges at the devotee) And if you don't give up this blood-sucking business, there is a good chance that in your next life you'll take birth as a mosquito!

Dracula: No!

Devotee: Yes!

Dracula: No! But why? But how?

Devotee: It is stated in the Bhagavad-Gita that whatever state of being one remembers when one quits his body, that state he will attain without fail.

Dracula: I have never even considered such things before.

Devotee: You must!

Dracula: But what can I do?

Devotee: It is the arrangement of the Supreme Lord that we drink the blood of the cow only after it has been transformed into milk, the miracle food, which builds strong brain tissues for understanding self-realization. From this milk we make butter and ghee, in which we cook wonderful preparations for the Lord like samosas, puris and halavah. But the real test is in the tasting. (devotee pulls out a sweet) Here, take this and enjoy.

Devotee: Then, you must come to the wonderful Sunday Love Feast at the Hare Krishna temple and take many such foodstuffs to your full satisfaction. Please come, and bring your friends.

Dracula: I will be there, but as for my little friends of the night, well, we will see! Goodbye!

Devotee: But, before you go, I want you to have this book and give what you can.

Dracula: Would a twenty do?

Devotee: That will be fine! Thank You. Hare Krishna!

Dracula: Hare — ?

Devotee: Krishna.

Dracula: Hare Krishna!