by Datta Das

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CAST: Clerk, Tim.

(Opening: Tim checks into Hotel lobby)

Clerk: Date of birth?

Tim: 9/1/59. He looks around. Where am I, anyway?

Clerk: Don't try to tell me you don't know.

Tim: I don't. Is this some sort of joke?

Clerk: We never joke around down here.

Tim: Down here? You don't mean...?

Clerk: Welcome. (looks cross) Now — if you don't mind. I've got work to do. Last name?

Tim: Jefferson. (looks confused) Look, I'd really like to know what's happening here.

Clerk: First name?

Tim: Tim. Say, uh, is there somebody I can talk to?

Clerk: We are talking, aren't we?

Tim: (laughs) Oh, I get it. (laughs again) This is just a bad dream. I remember being in an accident — now I'm unconscious, and dreaming. Or hallucinating or something. I knew I shouldn't have stayed up to watch the Twilight Zone last night. (laughs again) This is just a bad dream.

Clerk: (sneers) You think this is a bad dream now, Tom...

Tim: Tim.

Clerk: You think this is a bad dream now, Tim, you just wait till you get your room assignment.

Tim: Ha! None of this is real, and...

Clerk: (slaps him on the face) How about that? Did that feel real?

Tim: (puts his hand to his face) Hey, you can't do that!

Clerk: No? (he slaps him on the other cheek)

Tim: I... I... I want a lawyer!

Clerk: Hey, we got lots of them down here. (laughs)

Tim: (looks bewildered) I thought you said you don't joke around.

Clerk: Did I say that?

Tim: Yes, you did.

Clerk: Well, I lied. Social Security number?

Tim: Just a minute. Fumbles for wallet. Hey, where's my wallet? (Clerk looks bored and impatient) I guess I don't have it with me.

Clerk: Too bad, now you don't qualify for the executive suite. (laughs again, then becomes deathly serious) But it doesn't matter, we know everything about you.

Tim: Everything?

Clerk: (looks at audience) Is there an echo in here? (gets out big book)

Tim: Wow, how many people are listed in there?

Clerk: (puts on reading glasses) One.

Tim: One?

Clerk: (ignores him) Hmmm, doesn't say anything about you being hard of hearing. (closes book and holds it up) Tim Jefferson, this is your life! (canned applause. Printed on the book's cover is "Tim Jefferson, This Is Your Life")

Tim: Oh, my God!

Clerk: Guess again, Sherlock!

Tim: (faints)

Clerk: (looks at audience) You'd be surprised how much that happens. (shakes and revives Tim) Okay, for starters, you get to go to room 405.

Tim: Wait just a minute. Why should I be punished? I mean, I was a good guy. I helped a lot of people.

Clerk: (looks very unimpressed). Listen, Bud, my job is to give room assignments. My cousin Jake will do the reading.

Tim: Reading?

Clerk: (holds up book). Yeah, reading. That way we don't waste any time. He'll read to you in room 405.

Tim: But... but... you don't get it. This is a terrible mistake. I shouldn't be here at all!

Clerk: Yeah, and if I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I'd be Nelson Rockefeller. (looks up and grins) Actually, I'm glad I'm not. He's across from you in 404. (laughs) Okay, okay, what the heck. (looks at Tim) I don't do this for just anyone. (opens book) Here we go: August 22nd, 1979, you remember that little incident in Jenny Prist's garage?

Tim: But, but... That was a long time ago!

Clerk: So it was. So what? Should I read on?

Tim: Okay, you've made your point. How long will I be there?

Clerk: We don't measure time the way you're used to. In fact, you'll only be in room 405 for an instant.

Tim: That's good.

Clerk: Not really, 'cause it'll feel like a hundred years.

Tim: That's not so good.

Clerk: (shakes his head and looks at audience) Seems like we get all the smart ones down here.

Tim: What is room 405 like?

Clerk: It's got about a two-foot deep pool of the stinkiest muck you've ever seen. (laughs) Or should I say — smelled!

Tim: Why? Why me?

Clerk: (mimicking) Why? Why me? Oh, how did we ever get into this mess, Toto?

Tim: (shrugs his shoulders as the Clerk leads him out of the room) Oh, well, I guess it could be worse.

Clerk: It is, actually. You get to stand on your head the whole time!

Clerk: There, now, that wasn't so bad, now was it?

Tim: Wasn't so bad? That was the worst experience of my life! By 100 times.

Clerk: Actually, by a thousand times. We calculate those things very carefully. (he looks at schedule) Now let's see, your next assignment is in room 688.

Tim: What's the point, anyway? I mean, what good does it do to punish people after the fact? Why wasn't I warned about this before?

Clerk: (pulls out the book) Oh, but you were. (leafs through the pages) Time and time again. Here's a good one: September 12, 1967. Dear Mommy is putting you to bed. Remember what you asked her?

Tim: (has dazed look on his face. He stupidly shakes his head)

Clerk: (in child's voice) Mommy, do bad people get punished? (in mother's voice) Yes, Timmy, everyone gets what they deserve.

Tim: But that's impossible. How could you possibly know that?

Clerk: (patronizing attitude) Hold on, Timmy, I'm not done. (leafs through book) June 17th, 1974. You were reading the Bible in the school library... (looks up at Tim) ...hoping none of the other kids would see you.

Tim: But.. how...

Clerk: You read that, "As you sow, so shall you reap."

Tim: Yes, but...

Clerk: You thought about it, and finally decided — and I quote — "I'll just take my chances."

Tim: You couldn't know all that!

Clerk: Guess again, Jasper.

Tim: But that's not fair! All that religious stuff is so... confusing.

Clerk: Indeed. But not always. Listen to this: October 2nd, 1977. Approached by a Hare Krishna devotee.

Tim: Yeah, some guy in the airport tried to sell me a book. (laughs)

Clerk: And you bought it, Bozo.

Tim: (abruptly stops laughing) Oh.

Clerk: He also told you about karma, remember?

Tim: Oh yeah — something about action and reaction, the universe being based on absolute justice...

Clerk: Right. Well, you didn't take that as far as you could have, did you?

Tim: Well, I didn't really... I mean, how could I tell if he was telling the truth? So many people say so many things.

Clerk: Your heart and your intelligence told you he was right. You decided it made sense at the time; you just chose to ignore it later.

Tim: But I didn't. I mean, I became a vegetarian. He was right about making all those animals suffer.

Clerk: Yeah, well, the punishment fits the crime. You wouldn't believe the kind of torture the non-vegetarians are going through.

Tim: So, what happens now? Do I keep going from room to room until the end of time?

Clerk: No. Absolute justice, remember. (looks at his schedule) Let's see... After 688, you're free to go.

Tim: To go? Where? Into some sort of purgatory?

Clerk: Not at all. Back to Momma.

Tim: What?

Clerk: Back to the W-O-M-B.

Tim: You mean, reincarnation?

Clerk: Duh!

Tim: So I get another chance?

Clerk: Right. And hopefully you won't mess up as bad this time.

Tim: But I still don't get it. What's the purpose of everything? Do we just go on living different lives and getting punished?

Clerk: Hopefully not. Remember what else that Hare Krishna guy told you?

Tim: Uh...

Clerk: The spiritual world, Lord Krishna's abode. No more birth, death, old age and disease. And no more visits back here.

Tim: (frowns) Have I been here before?

Clerk: (smiles) Only 987 times. (deadpans) Our business thrives on repeat customers.

Tim: So how can I find out more about the spiritual world and Lord Krishna?

Clerk: There'll be more opportunities. When they come, I suggest you take advantage. To be honest, I'm getting a little tired of seeing you.

The End