by Brajendra Nandana Das

(originally done as a puppet show)

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CAST: Narrator (TV Announcer), Sir Isaac Newton, Professor Hans Rightbrain.

Narrator: (speaking quickly) Good day, everyone, and welcome to our TV News Special, "You Are There." I'm your host and newscaster, "Speaks Quickly." Our show brings you on the scene to see your favorite historical personalities as they actually lived long ago. Today we will bring you back to this same day, 300 years ago in England, to observe that great man of science, Sir Isaac Newton. It is now the evening during a break in an important scientific convention attended by all the leading scientists of Europe. Isaac has wandered outside along with another famous scientist, Professor Hans Rightbrain, for a friendly chat. We now bring you back to that moment in history. This is "Speaks Quickly" signing off, and now (speaking loudly) YOU ARE THERE...

Newton: Just see, Professor Rightbrain — how beautiful the sky is tonight! The stars and planets appear especially effulgent and bright.

Professor: Uh. Yes, of course. Saturn's angle is at a direct square root of Pluto which is at 180 degree variable with Uranus... (pause — they look at each other)

Newton: Okay... But isn't it so inconceivable — the majesty of the creation? God's plan is so wonderful!

Professor: Creation? GOD? Did you say GOD?! How can you speak such foolishness? DUMKOPF. NUDNICK. Maybe you are missing a few screws, Herr Isaac. (knocks on his head) Hello in there! Anyone home? Maybe we should call you Fig Newton — for your fig-like brain.

Newton: Professor! Don't you believe in a Creator?

Professor: Creator! BOGUS!!! By my calculation — considering square roots, differentials, integers, and other necessarily scientific factors like that — it is completely illogical!

Newton: Well — how do you think this beautiful arrangement (points to sky) and you and I and everything else came to be?

Professor: Again I say — knock, knock. Hello in there, Mr. Newton! Earth calling Herr Newton — it's all by chance. There was some gas — some chemicals — some floatin' around — and mixing. And then all of a sudden "BOOM" (a balloon pops) — a big bang there was.

Newton: Come now, professor. Are you saying an accidental explosion was the cause of everything?

Professor: Dat's right!

Newton: Well, I don't know about you — but I've never seen an explosion create something.

Professor: It's the law of averages, Isaac. Just keep exploding things and one day you will create something.

Newton: Oh, I see. Look Professor, you're such a great and famous scientist. I don't want to argue with you, I just want to be your friend. In fact, I'd like to ask a favor of you. In my laboratory at home there is something very special I'd like you to see that requires your expert opinion. Would you kindly honor me with a visit to my lab tomorrow and give me your evaluation?

Professor: (flattered) Oh! You want my opinion? You want to consult me? Well, of course. I'll see you tomorrow. Around noon? Alright.

Newton: Wonderful, Professor!. Tomorrow then. Thank you.

Narrator: Hi! "Speaks Quickly" back with you again. So Isaac had a plan. As we again go back in time, we will see how his scheme was successful. Right now, the professor has arrived at Isaac's lab and is about to inquire from Isaac what special thing he wanted him to see. So let's go on the scene and (speaking loudly) YOU ARE THERE... (then says more quietly) I love saying that.

Professor: (holds ears) Oh, my ears! That "Speaks Quickly" is a real DUMKOPF. Anyway, Isaac — what is it you'd like to show me?

Newton: (pointing to model) It's right there, Professor. What do you think?

Professor: Wunderbar! A scale model of the universe. My God! It's awesome, Isaac!

Newton: What was that you said, Professor?

Professor: Uh, I mean, My Goodness! This is wonderful, Isaac. Look at all the planets. There's Saturn with Mercury at integral differential with er... uh... Neptune. Such exquisite detail and mathematical exactness. Isaac, tell me, who has made this?

Newton: Made it? MADE IT?! Why no one, Professor Rightbrain. That's what's so surprising. It just appeared in my laboratory the other day — as if by chance. I was setting off some chemical explosions when sure enough, by the law of averages — just like you said — it just appeared by chance!

Professor: Now don't tease me, Isaac. Who is behind this extraordinary creation. Such attention and care. Someone made it. Who was it?

Newton: No, Professor. It happened by chance.

Professor: Isaac. You're insulting my intelligence. Someone had to make this!

Newton: Actually, Professor — it is you who have insulted my intelligence and anyone else's to whom you express your foolish speculation. You insist that some intelligent creator is responsible for this tiny model you marvel at. But when it comes to the original universe, which is infinitely greater and more complex than this simple model — you deny that some intelligent creator is behind it. Is that very scientific, Professor?

Professor: (mumbling) The square root of 2 — the integer — yes... and then the differential...

Newton: Hello, Professor — anyone home?

Professor: Well, Isaac. I think I must be going now...

Newton: Thank you for coming, Professor. By chance will you be walking or riding to your hotel?

Narrator: Hi. "Speaks Quickly" back with you again. Thank you for being with us and witnessing another event in history that has altered and illuminated our time. And — by chance — (very dramatically) YOU! WERE! THERE!

Professor: (pops head into view) Oh, shut up!

The End