* * * * * * * *

CAST: Seeker, Baba, Ali, Customer, Tax Collector, Governor, Governor's Wife, Reynolds the Butler, King, Minister, Sage.

(Street — enter Seeker)

Seeker: Just see, I'm so small, so insignificant in this world! What is this creation? What is it all about? Who am I? It's all too bewildering for me. I need a master who can tell me all these answers, someone to watch over and care for me. But my master must be most competent, the greatest master of all! Who is such a master and where will I find him? (exits)

(Shop — Ali and Baba on stage. Baba is a tall, greedy-looking businessman. His brother Ali is a short, fat, short-sighted man. Baba is counting out money, Ali is eating ice cream. He notices Baba counting)

Baba: 46 thousand, 47 thousand, 48...

Ali: Hey Baba, what are you doing, Baba, eh?

Baba: 48, 47... oh darn! 46, er 47, 48...

Ali: Are you counting money, Baba? What for, Baba? What for?

Baba: Ssshh! Where was I? 46, er no, 48...

Ali: I wish I was rich, Baba. If I was rich I'd buy a kulfi factory and...

Baba: (furious) Is that all you think about all day — kulfi?

Ali: No, Baba — not all day! Sometimes I think about rasagulla... (Baba slaps him) Ow! Why did you hit me, Baba?

Baba: Listen, you fat, short-sighted, lazy good-for-nothing, you'd better start doing some hard labor around here, otherwise you can go back home to mother. Start piling those top shelves! Get a ladder! (exit Ali. Enter Customer)

Customer: Um, I... er... I'd like to buy... buy a... er...toupee.

Baba: A what?

Customer: (whispers) I'd like to buy a toupee.

Baba: (loudly) What's a toupee?

Customer: Y'know... (he lifts the top of his hair to reveal a bald head)

Baba: (loudly) Oh, you want to buy a wig!!!

Customer: Ssshh!

Baba: (loudly) You want a wig because you're bald!

Customer: Please, not so loud!

Baba: Oh, we have lots of wigs... look! (Baba shows him a box of wigs and he looks through them. Seeker enters)

Customer: Okay, I'll take this one. (Ali bursts in with the ladder, swings it around, smashes a few things while shouting for Baba. Customer exits in rear. Seeker just looks on)

Ali: (approaches a store dummy) Oh, there you are, Baba. I've got the ladder. Now what?

Baba: Look what you've done to the shop! I'll kill you!

Ali: (being strangled) No, Baba, please stop! (enter Chaywallah, Tea Salesman)

Tea Salesman: Chay! chay!

Ali: Baba! Baba! Look — chay! Calm down, take some tea and calm down. (Baba lets go) Two chays, please!

(Chaywallah pours two cups of tea and gives it to them. Carefully, he steals one of the three bags of money that Baba was counting, puts it in his kettle, takes his cups and payment and exits)

Baba: Ali, did you take a bag of money from here?

Ali: No... why, Baba?

Baba: That thieving little... Just wait till I get my hands on him! Listen, you stay here. I'm expecting the Tax Collector today. If he comes, don't do anything till I come back; do you understand?

Ali: Eh?

Baba: Do you understand?

Ali: Oh yes, Baba, I understand!

Baba: Okay, you're in charge until I get back... and don't eat all the stock! (exit Baba)

Ali: Wow, I'm in charge! (Seeker approaches)

Seeker: Excuse me, sir!

Ali: Yes, how can I help you? I'm in charge here!

Seeker: Yes, I know. I can see how so many people all over the town are dependent on you and your shop. You must be a great person. May I serve you?

Ali: (surprised) Er? Yes, certainly you can serve me! First thing — get me a kulfi from the icebox, and after that you can sweep up this mess! (aside) Wow, being in charge is fun! (Seeker does this. Tax Collector enters, knocks down tin cans) Oi! What d'you think you're doing?

Tax Collector: Well, well, you must be Ali Akbar, Baba's brother.

Ali: Yeah.

Tax Collector: Business must be booming, eh? (pats Ali on the fat stomach)

Ali: Oh yeah, making lots of money!

Tax Collector: That's good news. What's Baba up to? Where is he?

Ali: Well, he was counting this money here and he went out somewhere. May I help you? I'm in charge!

Tax Collector: Yes, I'm the Tax Collector.

Ali: Oh, Baba mentioned you — oh — what did he say?

Tax Collector: Maybe he said that he owes me 50,000 rupees!

Ali: Er, maybe, yeah...

Tax Collector: Well, hand it over, Ali!

Ali: Okay. (gives him one bag)

Tax Collector: How much is this?

Ali: I don't know.

Tax Collector: Doesn't feel like 50,000 rupees to me — more like 25,000.

Ali: Well, you'd better take this one as well. (gives him other bag) Would you like a kulfi? Hey, servant — two kulfis!Seeker: But I don't understand. What's going on? I thought you said you were the greatest person — but you're subordinate to him! I want to serve the greatest person.

Tax Collector: Well, you've certainly come to the right person. All people are engaged in some occupation for which they receive some fruit, and although they work very hard to make their money — you see how they must pay me, simply at my command! If they don't, they are thrown in prison. There are many shopkeepers throughout the Province, but all of them are subject to pay dues to me. Therefore pick up those bags and let's go. (exit Tax Collector and Seeker)

Ali: Hey, what about my kulfi? (enter Baba) Baba, my servant left me!

Baba: What are you blabbering on about? Have you been sleeping again instead of working?

Ali: No, Baba, it's true. He left with the Tax Collector.

Baba: What Tax Collector?

Ali: The one I gave all the money to. (Baba sees that the bags are missing and slowly approaches Ali threateningly) Please don't hit me again!

(Governor's residence — Governor is sitting with his wife in the garden. He is reading a newspaper, she is reading a book. Wife looks up slightly and addresses Governor)

Wife: Would you like salad, dear?

Governor: (still reading) Yes, dear.

Wife: Mustard?

Governor: No thank you, dear. (she carries on reading book)

Wife: Tea, dear?

Governor: Yes please, dear.

Wife: Sugar, dear?

Governor: Two lumps, dear. (she carries on reading. Instead of placing sugar in his tea she puts mustard in it. Governor drinks it, pauses, his face contorts and he jumps up, clutching his throat. Finally he finds a bucket of water, drinks it and sits down to read the paper)

Wife: (after long pause) Is there anything wrong, dear?

Governor: Is that Darjeeling tea?

Wife: Yes, dear.

Governor: Oh. (pause) Maude, there's something I want to speak to you about — it can't wait any longer. Now don't get upset, old girl, and don't tell the children. I've been thinking about this for a long time. It's... it's Reynolds, our butler — he's not so young as he used to be. He's not he same Reynolds who we used to take on long walks in the countryside back in England — now he's old. I think his time's almost up — I'm afraid we're going to have to... have to... get rid of him!

Wife: Oh, Henry!

Governor: No, I'm sorry dear, my mind's made up. It will be quite painless. Don't worry, I'll call him. Reynolds! Reynolds! (enter Reynolds, an old butler)

Reynolds: Yes, sir?

Governor: Go bring some more tea, Reynolds.

Reynolds: Yes, sir! (exit Reynolds)

Governor: Don't worry dear, we'll get another one. (enter Reynolds)

Reynolds: Sir, Mister Billings is wanting to see you. He's at the back door.

Governor: Oh God! Alright. One, two, three, four — let 'em sweat at the door. Five, six, seven, eight — doesn't hurt to let them wait. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve — COME! (enter Tax Collector and Servant)

Tax Collector: Put the money at his feet, you fool. (Servant does so)

Governor: Ah, Billings... about time, too! You've finally brought the taxes from those two natives down at the market. You know, Billings, sometimes I despair with you.

Tax Collector: Yes, sir.

Governor: You're a very slow worker.

Tax Collector: Yes, sir.

Governor: I don't like it, Billings. Not one bit. I expect my men to be efficient and obedient.

Tax Collector: Yes, sir.

Governor: Not that I want to be surrounded by "Yes Men" all the time, you understand?

Tax Collector: Yes... er... No, sir!

Governor: Very well, Billings, be off with you. You're no longer required here. I'm sure you've something better to do. (Tax Collector goes to exit but Servant approaches Governor)

Seeker: But excuse me, sir, I'm confused.

Governor: Billings, who is this ninny?

Tax Collector: Oh, I picked him up cheap at the market.

Seeker: I wanted to serve the greatest person, and this man cheated me by saying how he was the greatest.

Governor: Billings — the greatest person? How droll! Country Bumpkin, you have no taste. This man is simply my paid servant, and there are many more like him. He is collecting taxes which have been imposed by me. If people do not pay their taxes, I can take away all their possessions and throw them in the clink! Billings — jump! Jump, Billings! (he jumps) You see! Anyway, enough talk. You'll be my servant?

Seeker: Yes, sir.

Governor: Marvelous — good ninny! Go away, Billings. (exit Billings, enter Reynolds with tea) Ah, very good. (he takes the tray, pulls out a gun and shoots Reynolds) There, I told you we would get another one, Maude. Now shine my shoes, nincompoop, comb my hair, put my coat on, straighten my belt, pull up my girdle — we're off to see the King! (exit servant and Governor)

(The palace — King is on stage. He is a huge, obese blob of fat, reclining on a sofa and being fanned by servants)

King: Where's my Minister? Minister! Minister! (enter Minister)

Minister: I'm sorry, Your Majesty.

King: I'm hungry again. Get me more food!

Minister: Yes, Your Majesty. What would you like?

King: Well, what've you got?

Minister: Let's see... (takes long list from pocket and reads) ...pillo rice, cholay subji, aloo subji, gobi subji, makhan roti, miti roti, tepla, paratha, aloo paratha, dungri bhajias, samosas, palum paneer subji, pani puri, dhokra, gulabjamens, sandesh, jelabis, dahi, burfi, tefli, bundi...

King: I'll have the lot!

Minister: Very good, and how would you like it served?

King: All mixed together in a bucket!

Minister: Achaa! And to drink?

King: Some English tonic water. Oh wait! I think I can only manage six crates today.

Minister: I'll be back very soon, Your Majesty. (Minister exits and then returns)

King: That was quick!

Minister: No, no, the Governor is here to see you.

King: Announce him!

Minister: Your Majesty — Major General Sir Henry Goosescratcher-Smythe, representative of His Imperial Majesty King George V of England, Governor of the province of Bhelpuri and Captain of the Warwickshire cricket team. (enter Governor and Servant — National Anthem is played)

Governor: Your Majesty, on behalf of the King, I hereby present you with this month's taxes. Now bearing in mind that you are a semi-independent State and have financial backing as well as diplomatic aid from His Majesty's army, I have deducted a small percentage of...

King: Shut up and turn the money over!

Governor: I beg your pardon?

Minister: Er, what His Majesty meant to say was — he is honored that you have brought the money, and thanks you from the bottom of his heart.

Governor: Oh, I see... come, ninny! (they are about to leave. but Servant suddenly addresses King)

Seeker: No! Please, Your Majesty, I beg you, I am in search of the greatest person, and I have been cheated by one man after another!

Minister: In this Province there is none superior to our King. Everyone is under his rule. Even the British fear his Majesty. You had better serve him if you know what is good for you.

Seeker: Well, if you're sure.

Governor: Hmph! (walks off angrily)

King: So you want to serve me, eh? You seem a little naive. Nonetheless, you're sincere. Can you cook?

Seeker: No.

King: Oh, that's a pity.

Minister: Your Majesty, your guru has just arrived.

King: Show him in at once. (enter Sage) Pranam, Gurudeva.

Sage: O King, is everyone well in your kingdom? Are all the citizens happy and well cared for? Is the system of varna and ashrama being maintained?

King: The kingdom is in quite good shape, Guruji. By following your orders, things never fail. Actually, it is a fact that you are the real ruler of this Province. Please tell me, how can I serve you?

Servant: No! No! You're not the greatest person! I've been cheated yet again! Now it appears that this saintly man is the greatest! Will my search never end?

Sage: To be master of everyone requires unlimited energy and opulence — wealth, strength, fame, renunciation, beauty and wisdom. By possessing these qualities one may rule over others. The Personality who possesses all of these qualities in full is known to me.

Seeker: O great sage, please, I want to find this amazing Person! I want to serve Him! Please take me to Him!

Sage: Then let us go to the temple where He resides. (exit Sage and Seeker)

(Temple — Enter Sage and Seeker. Sage shows him the Deity of Krishna)

Seeker: I was simply trying to find the greatest person, but I see that everyone has a superior over them. Even the great King takes instruction from you. So please tell me, are you the greatest master?

Sage: I am master of no one. I am a simple servant like yourself, endeavoring to serve Lord Sri Krishna — the Supreme Personality of Godhead.

Seeker: I, too, wish to serve the Lord, but how do I become qualified?

Sage: You may start by chanting Hare Krishna Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna Hare Hare / Hare Rama Hare Rama, Rama Rama Hare Hare... by chanting the maha-mantra constantly, your love for God develops. It takes time, but try it, won't you?

Seeker: I want to chant the Holy Names of the Lord constantly — let's all chant right now! (kirtan)

The End