At that time I had hardly yet begun to learn how to get my tongue around the tricky exotic pronunciations of all variety of Sanskrit and Bengali words. I couldn't even pronounce the word "Prabhupada" as I made my obeisances to His Divine Grace in person. But I had a somehow intrinsic sense of his overwhelming significance nonetheless.

Because of the good influence of my bhakta leader His Grace Ranganath Prabhu, I was permitted to stand right next to Srila Prabhupada to the left of his vyasasana during Guru-puja. Ranganath Prabhu himself applied the sandalwood paste to Srila Prabhupada's forehead with a flower before applying it to my own next. Srila Prabhupada then passed out cookies during which I received one from his own hand. Later that day, I was permitted fruit (honey-dew melon) remnants right from Srila Prabhupada's plate.

The following morning there was such a crowd in the temple room that it was so packed that I couldn't even get in (what to speak of getting close) to hear him speak Srimad-Bhagavatam class. Never mind that the only thing I could understand him say (being that I was completely unfamiliar with his heavily Bengali-accented English) was "Simply chant Hare Krishna and be happy."

The first time I ever went to a temple was to join (at which time I became a vegetarian also for the first time). Until I had moved into the temple just three weeks previously, I had scarcely read or studied any Krishna Conscious philosophy (what to speak of even a cursory understanding of It). Maybe I couldn't understand Srila Prabhupada's speaking, even still I just knew somehow with all my heart and soul that I desperately needed to be near His Divine Grace. Intensely. Eagerly. Immediately. And I knew it more than I had ever known anything. So I became extremely crestfallen when due to the circumstance of the jam-packed temple room I could not. It was as if I had been banned from seeing Srila Prabhupada. My heart was broken unlike ever before. And I wrapped myself in my heavy wool chaddar taking refuge in bathroom hallway adjoining the temple room and sobbed profusely, feeling His Divine Grace's separation in a somehow inconceivably extreme way. My heart simply could not bear it and I felt as if my very existence itself was virtually on the verge of disintegration --- if I could not be close to Srila Prabhupada right then. Or else I would instantly die completely brokenhearted.

Not much more than a year later a great cataclysm befell the world. Srila Prabhupada's vapuh disappeared much to the horrific, despairing loss of the world. I was still only 18 years old when this extremely sorrowful event took place. Somehow, I could not/would not believe this great tragedy had transpired. To me it was impossibly unthinkable in every way. I felt that a darkness more than night had sucked all the light out of the sky. And I didn't know how I could go on without him in the world.

I began to take complete shelter of Srila Bhaktivinode Thakur’s words: “...He reasons ill who say that Vaishnavas die, when they’re living still in sound...” Soon, I immersed myself in the study of Srila Prabhupada’s books with a starved voracity. However, it wasn’t until 1982 when I read Srila Bhaktivinode Thakur’s words from his beautiful Bhagavat speech describing how those great Teachers who now live spiritually can yet still return to assist a soul’s inner development. Considerations of the time/space continuum are completely irrelevant in this regard.

In the summer of 1978, I had my first dream of Srila A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada. In the dream, I was a prisoner sitting with other prisoners in a prison yard. Srila Prabhupada suddenly appeared amongst us and passed out karatalas to all of us before sitting down to sing Hare Krishna to a melody which I had never previously heard. I have thought of this world as a prison house filled with suffering prisoners ever since, with the Holy Name being the only way to be released.

Throughout the next year, I would regularly have dreams of Srila Prabhupada (and the ISKCON Chicago Deities sometimes animated and moving). Each time I felt His Divine Grace’s presence very strongly, only to wake up immediately thereafter with tears streaming down my face, feeling his separation very intensely.

Although I have had very little to do with any type of institutional spirituality since the early 80s, nonetheless, many, many times over the past thirty years I have had the experience of Srila Prabhupada coming to me in dreams. Each time I felt his tangible Divine Presence in a very profound way, only to awaken feeling bereft of His Holy Association and Divine Guidance.

In the summer of 1982, I had a dream of His Divine Grace wherein I was expressing concern about spiritual leadership after his departure along with worries about the future in this regard. He beamed with amusement at my worries (as if they were silly or neurotic) before telling me, "Don't worry. You'll be alright. You'll know what to do."

Then he opened his lotus eyes very wide for emphatic emphasis before boldly proclaiming, "Krishna will help you!"

Around a year or so ago, I had a dream wherein I was standing by Srila Prabhupada's left side as he sat on his vyasasana. Across the room from us stood a small group of about a dozen of his followers. It was as if they had been called before him for chastisement. Again with an amused expression on his face (as if I just had told him something he found greatly humorous) he turned and said to me, 

"What do you call yourself now? John (my birth name)? Jagabandhu das?"

"Jagabandhu das." I timidly replied, with my head humbly bowed to him.

He then turned to face the small group across the room with a big smile on his face before he chided them saying, "Jagabandhu das doesn't think you follow me correctly." As if he found amusement in using my words to criticize his own students. A few months ago, His Divine Grace expressed happiness to me in a dream just after an article I wrote for Sampradaya Sun and he encouraged me to continue (in a dream in the early 80's he had encouraged me to write).

I cannot speak for others , but certainly it must be true that they may have also felt His Divine Grace's Personal Presence in dreams over the past thirty-one years and thereby also had a similar opportunity to experience the reality of Srila Bhaktivinode Thakur's Holy Words telling us that "...Vaishnavas live on forever in Sound. And the follower lives with Them..." 

For me personally, it's like His Divine Grace Srila A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada never left.

All these years later, I remain the most neophyte of his students (and a poor learner, too), still much in need of inner refinement. Like a foolish child before him. May I at least not become a burden or disgrace to His Divine Grace. And a real help to all others.

Humbly,

the lowly pretender